Forgive me, as I type this I am at the end of my rope. It’s been one hell of a week. Too much has happened in a short period of time.
I’m not normally very open about my feelings when something serious is going on. Part of that is the irrational belief I have that whatever I experience pales in comparison to what my friends have to endure. And I don’t want to be specific, as I feel it would be unproductive, bordering on public gossip, and could cause irreparable damage to a fragile relationship.
All that said, I’m angry and hurt beyond what I’ve experienced in recent years. However it happened, I’ve become a doormat in one of my relationships. The hard part is, I want to be forgiving and loving. I want things to work out for the best. I don’t want to hurt anyone else, even unintentionally. I find myself walking that fine line between accepting another person, warts and all, and allowing myself to be used.
I called someone else on her behavior. My hope was not to make her feel bad, but to improve a situation that had been brewing for some time. Instead, she became defensive and made accusations back at me. It hurt. Not because I believe I am perfect, or even that what she said is untrue (at least, some of it). It was just a flat-out denial that she has any responsibility or that there is any need to change. She seems content to believe the lies she tells herself, making sure that the rest of us know that we are the problem.
What is left is a broken relationship that I am not sure can be mended. Right now, it doesn’t feel like there is any way to move beyond the place we have found ourselves. Too much is at stake. I want to give up, but that doesn’t seem right either. The “fix-it girl” in me wants to rewind, take the blame, and say, “Yes, you’re right.” But in my heart, I know that can’t, and shouldn’t, happen.
My heart is grieving the loss that seems inevitable.